NELSON READ THIS CAUSE.

You're dancing and she's giggling and my heart.
                                                                                   is.
                                                                         breaking.

I hope you cherish those videos. I hope you never delete them. I hope you show them at her wedding so she knows she was loved and you were there and you were real.

It reminds me of the video we have of my father tickling me into giggle fits and I live to be reminded how happy we had the world in our former lives. 

I'm scared I'm not really over it like I thought I was.

I've never had my heart break quite like it does watching you interact with her. An maybe that's because you once told me you were in your thirties. An he was in his thirties. And ever since that day I've been counting down your days.

She only gets you for a few more years.

An she's laughing on the couch with no idea that there won't always be another goodnight kiss. She's letting you film with no idea that she'll watch an re-watch and she'll do everything desperately trying to remember the laugh her mother will only tell her about and the inspiration colleagues will tell her about and the moment you smiled only because she was smiling.

I'm scared she won't remember.

I'm scared she'll say she does when she doesn't. I'm scared she'll feel like she has to tell a memory every time they go around the table even though the only thing she remembers is feeling loved, and feeling paid attention to and maybe when she gets older she'll wish she paid better attention to you. and she'll wish she hadn't naively misunderstood and she'll wish little kids weren't so selfish and that they knew to tell you to STOP.

 and she'll wish you were here.

I'm scared her memories will be contorted. That they'll be manufactured by the stories others tell and often times, she'll need pictures to remind her exactly what you look like.

I'm scared she won't remember, or even know, the scar under your nose that you hate enough to cover with facial hair.

I'm scared she won't ever plan her dream wedding because the daddy daughter dance is just too difficult.

I'm scared she'll get into trouble in high school because all those studies are true
  and she needs a dad to show her how boys should treat her right.
         And to kick the ass of anyone who doesn't.
                   And to wipe away the tears when she still hangs out with the asshole and He

Breaks.     Her.      Heart.

I'm scared she'll know your favorite cake because her mother will always make it for your birthday, but she won't know if you like pepperoni on your pizza. And some days, that will be the breaking point.
I'm scared she'll forever root for the Lakers because that was your dream team and she'll take so much crap about it that she'll wonder if you still support them but she won't give in to all the people asking her if she can name 5 players because she can't.

She just knows what you liked. And she wants you to keep living.


I'm terrified that the only thing she will remember about your funeral is feeling like she was supposed to cry and all the pretty flowers she got to make bouquets out of after everything was done. That she'll only remember how hot of a day it was and how much she hated her mother for making her wear a long sleeve navy dress. That tears will stain the memory and she won't be able to make out what the words say when she goes back to remember.

I'm scared your time is ticking and she'll have to grow up wishing someone taught her how to jump start a car.

So take a video today. and take a video tomorrow too. And tell her that you love her over and over.

and then film it.

Because the clock is running dry and the handwriting in her journal will never convey the way you high fived her after she got her first strike bowling or the time you sat on the couch watching her try to cartwheel for an hour because "no daddy one more time, I know I can do it."

I'm scared she'll take a sucker punch to the gut, and I'm scared you won't leave enough evidence for her to remember.